I still remember when a girl in college told me I look nice with my beard when I first grew it out. Anything short of spelling it out ABC style at us, will not work. When I try to pick up on hints I get it wrong almost every time. Afterwards, she asked me if I wanted to come inside and take a shower. She just kinda giggled. A kid from the Bronx, he had never been out of the Bronx in his entire life. Then he got sent to New Guinea. Decades later, as he lay dying in the hospital bed, he told us: as his young friends were being slaughtered by other young men, just before they died, they always cried for their mothers, never for their fathers, always for their mothers.
And then they died, in his arms. Where is my mother? That affected him for his entire life. And dad lived a long time. He was the lucky one. Most of the time we try to dry the face first, then the sack. But sometimes we have to go back to the face. We just hope we use an uncontaminated part of the towel. Just, you know. It may surprise you how big a gulf there can be between what you think you heard—what you feel you heard—and what your partner actually said. Listen as much or maybe more than you talk, focus on common threads rather than differences and look for a solution that pleases both of you.
The way you communicate with your partner is vital because what you say—and how you say it—affects how your significant other feels, and emotions drive behavior.
Some key principles of positive communication:. Avoid negative language. Avoid criticism. Remember: Success builds success. Instead of focusing on the things you dislike about your partner, focus first on what he or she does well and connect that to the behavior you'd like to see him or her change.
Give your undivided attention. One of the biggest mistakes I see couples make is that even when they both have the best intentions and follow all the advice they've read online about communication "I" statements, etc. This seemingly small behavior has a big impact on how you make your partner feel. As a marriage and family therapist, the advice I give to all my patients is this: Give someone the focus they deserve. Tell them what they mean to you. Totally not true.
Words are still necessary. Consciously choose to actively show appreciation—finding things to appreciate in your partner to enhance the good feelings between you.
The Secrets of Married Women by Carol Mason
No matter how close you are to your significant other, you remain individuals with your own needs and interests. Spending time alone doing your own thing, shows mutual respects, not relationship strain. It's important to go on new adventures and try new things. Don't have a typical "date night. As you grow older and face mortality, your relationship with your significant other provides an opportunity to explore your humanity and seek a better and deeper understanding of life.
The relationship we have with ourselves is the key to success for all the relationships we build with others. When you are happy and fulfilled independent of others, you are most attractive to the kind of healthy, happy people you want in your life. If you're dating for the first time in a long time, don't be afraid to wear your heart on your sleeve. If you're celebrating your golden wedding anniversary, remember that even though it may feel you and your partner are one person, you still need to say, "I love you" and show your appreciation.
Show affection. Have fun. Have sex! Love with the intensity of a teenager and the wisdom that your years on this earth have given you.
To read more about building a successful romantic relationship , please visit my blog on relationships. Me, an accountant. Him, self-employed home remodler. White collar, blue collar. He has been coming to my house for projects on and off for the last year or so. I was always attracted to him. One day I walked outside with a couple of beers and we chatted for a minute. We had a lot in common! He worked in the corporate world for decades then went out on his own.
I held his eye contact as he spoke, smiled, thanked him for fixing whatever it was. Later I texted another thank you.
He thanked me for the beer then asked if it would be okay if he asked me out sometime. I texted, "I thought you'd never ask! My piece of advice: Don't pigeon hole what your perfect person to date should be. Get out of your comfort zone and you may be wildly surprised. In fact, it may be that what you think you want is not what you really need and that's why you're single over age I would like to add the importance of non sexual contact. In my experience, I see women physically touch each other quite freely but that's not true with men.
It feels like my partner drinks up physical touch outside the bedroom. Holding hands as we walk from the car into a restaurant.
The Secrets of Married Women
An impromptu hug. This additional physical contact has allowed him to feel safe enough to open up and speak freely with me about his feelings. It's like his walls have come down and he trusts me. Men may not be the greatest communicators and I believe women should listen carefully when their guy opens up. I focus more on the emotion and less on the words. What is he trying to convey, what does he want only me to know? I never reply right away. I give him time to continue his thoughts.
When I speak, I keep in mind that men are "fixers". What do I want him to do about whatever I'm talking about. If I just want him to listen, I say so.
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If he seems uncomfortable, not knowing what to say or do, I get closer to him and ask for a hug. He "fixed" it for me and we both feel good. We choose to be together because we want to be together.
How many ways can you let your partner know that you love and care? Use less words and more physical actions. Get on the couch with him and put his arm around you, let him touch your skin, touch his. It is a bold move! Give what you want to receive.