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The Georgicks of Virgil, with an English Translation and Notes Virgil, John Martyn Ipsi in defossis specubus secura sub alta Otia agunt terra, congestaque robora, Pierius says it is confecto in the Roman manuscript. And Tacitus also says the Germans used to make caves to defend them from the severity of winter, .

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The first set of instrumentals he gave her to write vocals to contained soulful tracks and one that was pretty dark. Expecting her to avoid the moody track, Max knew things were going to work when she came back with a song over the shadowy beats. There was a lot of different stuff being played, and we both enjoyed being out, listening to sound systems.

To help them celebrate two years of inspired bookings and wild parties are live bands Shudder Pulps, Girl Band and Tourist, and the early hours DJs include local trip hop producer Adolescent. Be Nothing know how to party hard. Although best known for being a founding member of trip hopdefining Massive Attack, Grant Marshall started out as a DJ. Expect a truly passionate showcase of the historic Bristol sound as Marshall revisits his roots, with support coming from regular Portishead DJ Andy Smith.

Oh, and entry is free. From producing tracks for the likes of Fatboy Slim and David Byrne, to touring with The Chemical Brothers and Underworld, Gandey has a wealth of tracks and history to pull into his set. A master hip hop turntablist who integrates a sense of humour and wacky visuals into his sets, Yoda is truly unmatched in this terrain. Globally renowned for his unique tongue-in-cheek style, he has an uncanny ability to transform any room of laidback people into a bopping bunch of happy ravers with a silly grin plastered on every face. Named by Q magazine as one of ten DJs to see before you die, if without plans on this Thursday you are, see him you must.

Optical illusion hallway, gypsy caravan, bed of nails, Punch and Judy dj booth an adult size ball pit, to name just a few of the clubs hidden treasures! Kung Fu are running room two downstairs, if you need a little hip hop breather. Following a year of trailblazing success, Bristol-based house producer Eats Everything brings Edible to Audio.

Serving Brighton with special guests Richy Ahmed and Blond:ish, Edible promises mouth-watering beats and basslines. Sounds tasty. Dominion and Markings are the main support, and Below The Line will be hosting room two. Everyone knows Mr C from his star turn rapping for The Shamen, but he maintained his credibility running The End club while producing underground tracks for a multitude of labels.

The enigmatic and suddenly prolific Friend Within is supporting and demonstrating why Dirtybird and Hypercolour have snapped up his tracks so quickly. Blah Blah Blah DJs will be in residence to keep the party going all night. The genre gets a bad rep for all the bitches and bling stereotypes, but these guys are far too clever to take all that seriously.

Klashnekoff, Fliptrix, Verb T are amongst the other acts playing. Huxley initially found success as an underground garage producer but his trademark sound has mutated and evolved into a deeper, house led style. Having had an enviable myriad of releases on high profile labels, the Tring native has established himself as an effortless forerunner in whatever genre he puts his hand to. Another month, another Originate party at the Volks, with more DJs, producers and MCs than we can list in eighty words. Their new tee-shirt range, the Wavy Collection, is available on the website now, along with details of their next parties and many other ventures.

You heard it here first. The bookings are a heady mix of big names, fresh collaborations and exciting newcomers, with Cyantific, Ivy Lab and Hybrid Minds playing recent nights. This exemplifies one of the friendliest, most up-for-it club nights in Brighton. Take note. Jeff Koons started out casting huge, flamboyant animals and tulips, but swiftly took a sordid turn for the saucy by casting himself shagging his Italian pornstar lover in a series of rude works, until she left him.

Smutty, silly, kitsch, depraved, lowbrow.

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Blushing makes you live longer. Top stuff. This is one of those nifty satellite screenings, so the male Voice Of An Angel and his bandmates will be watching on from Manchester while Meadows and producer Mark Herbert answer any post-show queries. Seven years ago The Basement put on SubScreenSonic, an exhibition of international screen-printed gig posters from many of the best artists in the genre, including Tara McPherson, Chuck. Sperry and Mike King. Alternatively check out thestickup.

Dreamy, breezy tones hit from start to finish, teased by muffled distortion and moody echoed vocals akin to The Strokes or someone singing with a blocked nose. A modern take on the historic New Orleans second line sound, Hot 8 Brass Band have overcome many tragic hardships, from the death of former members to the devastation Hurricane Katrina wrought when she passed through their city. Such tragedy seems have had a profound effect on their music, as the pure joyful celebration of life that comes through is staggering.

Vocalist Lucy Holland brings a. These people were born to make music. His debut EP is influenced by the likes of Onra and Bonobo, with soft electronica floating above slightly offbeat hip hop rhythms. Two cut-price DIY compilations from out of the underground. Poles apart, but strong sets nonetheless. American singer-songwriter Mikal Cronin and his band create the kind of psychedelic wall-of-sound racket that the Pixies might have given birth to had they stepped into a time machine and engaged in a spot of 60s free loving with The Byrds.

Grungy fuzz-laden guitars chug away underneath dreamy, melodic vocals, the perfect embodiment of sundrenched Californian garage rock. Rising from the ashes of Glaswegian post-hardcore band Dananananaykroyd come Alarm Bells, with a sound akin to their fun-loving predecessor. More experimental than before, expect pensive soundscapes, bubbling guitar riffs, muffled distortion, intense drum breaks and Billy Talent-esque screams but with a Scottish twang, of course. As if that would ever happen. Like Test Icicles but friendlier.

Despite having formed almost 10 years ago, The Blackout find themselves at a new music festival. Through their use of traditional Basque instruments, they merge world rhythms with pulsing synth basslines and floaty, delicate vocals.

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The band are also known for putting on fast-paced, mesmerising shows. So why is it that a twenty-something adult who dresses like a year-old boy should have this level of street cred? Twinkly Marr-esque guitars chime relentlessly around lamenting vocals, resulting in ludicrously catchy pop hooks. Every year, The Great Escape sees intimate performances from future superstars. Slamming trudging guitars, indie dance drums and howling punk vocals together, Dublin-based duo Kit Karate have created a gritty, raw yet fun sound that can keep any room moving.

However, The Great Escape knows that pre-pubescent boys and girls like music too. Grown-up wristband wearers who still enjoy toilet humour can join the fun too. Her record box is always filled with a blend of classics and the cutting edge. Now 61 and recently knighted for his services to broadcasting, his undying passion and encyclopaedic knowledge of the genre has never faltered.

Quintessential Welshman Sweet Baboo is a folky, psychedelic musician with a captivating stage presence. A whole wave of young bands both sides of the Atlantic often cite the Pennsylvania group as a key influence, with good reason.

Inspired by the original sounds of Detroit and. Having realized her passion for music from a very young age she honed her undeniable talent through hours spent locked in her bedroom writing poetry and recording tracks. Expect nothing less than great things from them when they take the stage in Brighton. The first thing that jumps out at us when we listen to Brighton trio Wytches is how on edge the vocals sound. Paired with dark riffs and psychedelic guitar twangs, this paints a sound reminiscent of a gritty gangster wasteland film.

At the end of , long-time friends and tour buddies Machinedrum and Jimmy Edgar decided to release an EP under the collaborative alias Jets. Monsters Build Mean Robots bring the post rock heaviness,.

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A lot more fun than querying your council tax bill at any rate. Brighton rockers Demob Happy found themselves splashed across the local papers last month when enthusiastic fans at a house party gig caused the floor to give way. The Argus reported that residents in the block had been made temporarily homeless following the exuberant student bash.

Brighton hardcore crew Gnarwolves make an evening appearance, Fight Like Apes and Johnny Foreigner grab the peak late night slots, with Her Parents and Oxygen Thief finishing off the stragglers as sunrise threatens. Tough stuff. Get yer ukes out. Mariele Neudecker is an extraordinary artist, known for her eerily imposing sculptures in works shown at Tate and beyond. James Bridle is the man who compiled a volume account of all the changes made to the Wikipedia entry for little-known skirmish the Iraq War.

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Based on a replica of a military aircraft, Bridle is mapping out recreations of the drones which allow remote aerial attacks, bleakly and starkly portraying the technologies of war and the ways they distance politicians and buttonpushers from those they most affect. An installation of wind-powered musical creations, Audible Forces places itself in a lineage stretching back to ancient world instruments like the Aeolian harp. Battlejam beatboxer Beardyman is widely admired here in Brighton and around the world for his lightning fast talents.

One Album Per Hour is the hometown debut of his musical comedy improv show, testing his powers of instrumental mimicry and imaginative freestyling to the limits. The audience throw out titles, subjects and genres, challenging Beardyman to invent an album of new songs from scratch. Grammy Award-winning singer-songwriter delivers an energising selection of African music, with her trademark power and immediacy Sun 12 May.

Tue 14 May. Are graphic novels just comics for the kind of people who read Harry Potter with the grown-up dust jackets on? Is it possible to write a comic about Auschwitz? Graphic novelist Woodrow Phoenix and his contemporaries Nye Wight and Hannah Berry debate the cultural shift to graphic novels, their criteria and content, and their personal favourites in this talk hosted by comics fanatic Tim Pilcher.

The origins of the bullet catch date back years, with a finale braver than attempting a smile at a bus driver on a rain-lashed single-decker full of sweaty men bearing moist-coated bulldogs. Iconic photographer Martin Parr has got an eye for a brilliant image and is known for his critical, funny snapshots of modern British life, capturing package holidays and pudding bowl haircuts with equal aplomb.

This festival exclusive aims to recreate the counter-culture theatre of Berlin in the 20s and 30s. Berlin-born political punk goddess Nina Hagen should be the perfect exponent of the theatrical, anti-establishment songs from the Weimar era. Following his stunning concert of Harold Arlen songs, angel-voiced David McAlmont returns to Brighton to put his own stamp on some classic numbers. Swinging live music, a secret garden and a latenight bar at the award-winning Warren.

Plus DJs and dancing til late. Friday 3 May Kalakuta Millionaires. Off The Cuff are a group of comedic comrades who specialise in short-form improv, with musical numbers and the occasional long-form odyssey thrown in for good measure. Their beautifully imaginative, hilarious quickfire comedy flows seamlessly, interweaving audience suggestions without missing a beat. Without wishing to spoil the illusion, you might care to know that Twonkey himself is actually an alter ego of Paul Vickers, perhaps more widely known as frontman with Scottish Peel show favourites Dawn Of The Replicants.

A frequently side-splitting, slightly unsettling flight of imagination. Its musicality and tempo are also reliably spellbinding, leading to a string of awards and TV appearances over the past few years. Firstly their songs are seriously earworm-catchy. On top of that the brothers of loveliness are extremely funny, despite songs about the misery of life on the margins. Artichoke are best know for their Artgroup, classes that have been getting kids excited about all aspects of the arts for years now.

As many an unfortunately-faced culture writer might tell you, the best things in life can look deceptively clownish. This show pitches two lost souls in a chance meeting leading to more twists and turns than a batshit go-go dancer snorting acid on hot coals. It also fulfils your physical theatre quotient for the month. The company present a bunch of alternate selections in residence at Theatre Royal throughout the Fringe, culminating in a family friendly half term run in the final week.

The cosy Church Road eaterie puts together an eclectic range of shorts each Wednesday evening from 8pm — an ever-. How do you fit ballroom dancing into a narrow space like Redroaster? One way to find out. POLiTiKER Productions shunt the farce forward a few decades to , allowing all manner of new satirical twists and historical nods to enter by the back door. Lyrics To Life is almost a one-woman show that does unexpected things with the words of our favourite songs, and perhaps a few of the worst. Inspired by her teenage world of compilation tapes.

Tour guide Geoffrey Mead can tell you more as he guides you around the gardens, Pavilion, Dome and surrounding areas. The Red Lamps are a group of children and young adults from Chailey Heritage School near Lewes, some of whom have profound and multiple learning difficulties. No other musician in the Fringe is doing anything like this, so chalk one up for the kids. In a very intimate venue it starts out as merely overhearing a couple of ladies having an idle chat. As it progresses however, the idle chat gradually gets ever more spicy until your initial preconceptions about these two seemingly innocent ladies are shattered.

Chef Signor Baffo Brighton actor Oliver Harrison serves up silliness, mischief and adventure in this interactive show, ideal for children ages 3 — 7. A Renaissance woman and a much loved Brightonian, an afternoon in her company is time pleasurably spent. To celebrate being the official coffee sponsor of Brighton Fringe, Alpro is encouraging us to share our MugShotMoments and there are some great prizes up for grabs too.

There are also Keep Cups that will be given away to entrants. So, get tweeting your MugShotMoments! On top of that, it takes two and a half times less water to make a cappuccino using Alpro soya plant-based milk alternative than with dairy milk, making it a green choice as well. For full terms and conditions visit www. Look for Paul Stapleton, who masterminded the popular BN1 board game; Catherine Lake, who makes beautiful 3D art from discarded vintage remnants; and Jill Christie, who utilises traditional studio pottery techniques to create stunning earthenware.

Great for gifts and great for a browse. Consisting of 14 artists and a dog called Mongo, the Farm Mews Massive are a diverse bunch. Counting jewellers, painters and mosaic makers amongst their numbers, they are holding workshops and open studios to demonstrate their various wares and skills. Guide To Brighton book series. Ted Davis is an inclusive kind of photographer, and in the warm inviting manner of the Open Houses is opening up his studio to anyone who wants to see how it all works and have their picture taken by a professional.

The shots will then be styled as fine art prints and available to buy via his website. Elsewhere in the house will be paintings, landscape photography and leather goods. Stencil artist Martin Middleton has the unsung distinction of reinventing the streets of Brighton, when his bright Cassette Lord designs proliferated across telephone junction boxes throughout the city. Expect to hear these and many other similar phrases hundreds of times over these five days. With BMX, skateboard and surf performances happening throughout, Boardmasters has identified its target audience and is doing everything in its power to keep them blissfully content.

Everyone raves about this one, and with good reason. This year there are 28 talks and tickets can either be bought separately or in day-long blocks of four if you fancy full literary immersion. However, if you have more than one type of tea in your cupboard and used to play the ukulele, it probably is. Six years on and the festival has grown but the spirit has stayed the same. The Great Skinhead Reunion started in when some old skins got chatting on Facebook and decided to meet for a pint. Amazingly, skinheads turned up to that first meeting and it has continued growing.

In addition to the safe bet headliners Bryan Ferry and Jools Holland, someone in the know has booked the cream of the current jazz crop, with vocal sensation Gregory Porter, bass diva Esperanza Spalding and hot chanteuse Melody Gardot all performing on the Sunday. Secret Garden Party was one of the first in the, er, field to promote the boutique festival experience, prioritising fancy dress themes, sideshows and immersive art as highly as the musical guests. In the face of much imitation they still do it better than the rest, as attested to by the top drawer acts they attract.

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Losing your head in the country to Django Django is gonna be one of the best choices you make this summer, even if you do wake up dressed as a cat in a tutu. Touring across the country, Slam Dunk will also visit Wolverhampton for the first time this year.

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  7. However, Summer Sound is a non-ticketed festival without camping. The location, perhaps. Billing itself as a festival micro-nation with options to buy visas rather than tickets, it comes complete with its own embassy in Somerset. It aims to be completely sustainable and very environmentally conscious, so expect laid-back vibes with a genre spanning line-up and hippies galore. He tried to use the CD player after returning to the hotel but it would not even switch on. He quickly return to the shop and asked for a refund or an exchange for another unit.

    When the shopkeeper refused to give either, the man points to the sign assuring him of a guarantee. We read from the right to the left. Posted July 6, The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman. To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most. Posted July 2, Q: How many graduate students in Computer Science does it take to change a light bulb? Posted June 27, Faced with hard times, the company offered a bonus of one thousand dollars to any employee who could come up with a way of saving money.

    The bonus went to a young woman in software development who suggested limiting future bonuses to ten dollars. Posted June 25, Posted June 21, Our CTO, Ted, came home from a long business trip and fell into the sofa without saying a word to his wife. Posted June 18, Our network manager and his wife recently bought a new boat to use for their regular fishing trips. Although they enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was our Network Manager who was behind the wheel operating the boat. Still, he was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it.

    So she drove the boat to shore and safely docked it. Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was reading a technical manual. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him,. Posted June 16, He had to take the ferryboat home every night.

    One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so Dave decided to stop at a nearby bar. When he got back to the pier, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Dave, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.

    We were just pulling in! Posted June 14, That number now stands at 99 billion burgers, or 99 Gigaburgers GB. Within months or even weeks, that number will roll over to GB. So the signs have only two decimal places. The ensuing catastrophic drop in sales is seen as almost certain to force the already-troubled company into bankruptcy. This, in turn, will push the teetering American economy over the brink, which, finally, will complete the total devastation of the global economy, ending civilization as we know it, and forcing us all to live on beetles.

    Posted June 12, Posted June 8, Three database administrators are debating who has the best memory. I can remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with my mother. Posted June 5, Posted June 2, You Know you are Addicted to the Internet When…. Posted May 31, A design meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost. Posted May 28, The cabling contractor ordered one of his men to dig a trench eight feet deep to lay down some fiber optic cable. But he ran into a problem. He went to the office and explained his problem. The boss snorted. The kind of help you get these days!

    Posted May 26, While most IT Departments refrain from allowing consumption of alcohol on the premises, there are some arguments for changing that policy. Posted May 24, Posted May 21, An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.

    Posted May 20, If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm. Posted May 17, This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:.

    Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done. Posted May 15, Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition. Posted May 13, The married coupls takes time to go to a restaurant two times a week: a little candlelight dinner, soft music, and a slow walk home.

    Posted May 10, When your boss does the same, he appreciated women. When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill. When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview. Posted May 9, A New York computer programmer was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day.

    Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. Posted May 6, There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. Posted May 5, A Data Center Manager was looking for data entry help. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual.

    We are an Equal Opportunity Employer. A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the office, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the network manager. The manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The sign says you have to be able to type.

    He printed out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The dog jumped down again and went back to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentence that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

    Posted April 30, A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course; all my training came back to me in a minute. Posted April 27, Posted April 22, Could you use African violets instead?

    Posted April 21, One night, a programmer comes into a restaurant and orders a meal. He looks really down, so the waiter gets worried. Posted April 19, Posted April 16, He packaged up his payment and included this letter:. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. Posted April 13, A Network Manager is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his colleagues, a Sys Admin, happens to come into the bar and sees him.

    He is! Posted April 8, Crayola Crayon ::waving:: …………….. Crying 0: …………………….. Posted April 5, How does Bill Gates enter his house? Posted April 3, He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets. Posted April 1, One fine day in ancient Rome, Julius Caesar turned his attention to a problem plaguing his mighty empire: laundry. Getting all those white togas clean was a constant pain.

    This was two thousand years ago… the environmental movement was restricted to a few Druids here and there. The gentle motion of the tides would wash the dirt out. He assigned this task to some of his scientists and engineers. They started executing his plan, and all was going well until they threw in the starch. The goddess of nature, angered at the environmental destruction, caused a huge tidal wave to spring up and wash over the assembled workers. A stiff breeze afterwards dried them off so quickly they were all frozen into place.

    After a little while, Caesar began to wonder about the progress of the enterprise, so he decided to visit the site with some of his technical advisors. Arriving at the tidal pool, he was unable to make heads or tails of the sight of his scientists and engineers stuck standing there. Until of course, one of his engineers whispered to him:. Posted March 29, Posted March 26, Two network engineers working in a data center were talking.

    Posted March 24, Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband, a systems administrator for a large insurance company was engrossed in a networking magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. Posted March 22, Posted March 19, Posted March 17, Posted March 15, A: I possess a device, which I carry in my pocket, that is capable of accessing the entirety of information known to humankind. I use it to look at pictures of dogs, and to tell my friends what I ate for lunch.

    Posted March 13, A computer was something on TV From a science fiction show of note A window was something you hated to clean And ram was the cousin of a goat. Meg was the name of my girlfriend And gig was a job for the nights Now they all mean different things And that really mega bytes. An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano. Memory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank account And if you had a 3 inch floppy You hoped nobody found out. Log on was adding wood to the fire Hard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And a backup happened to your commode.

    Posted March 10, The senior executive dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a glass of water and a comforting word. What happened to make you so exhausted? Posted March 8, Old tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. Network Data Centers, however, often try other strategies. These include…. Posted March 4, Posted March 2, Three network engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference.

    At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three network engineers bought only one ticket. They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three network engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the IT guys on the return trip and save some money being clever with money, and all that.

    When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three network engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the IT guys left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. Posted February 28, I was helping someone set up his computer, and he wanted to log in with a password.

    Posted February 26, Signs that scientists have gone too far with genetically modified food:. Posted February 24, A woman wrote to the help desk — the result is below:. Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5. In addition, Husband 1. Conversation 8. Please keep in mind that Boyfriend 5. Try to install Tears 6. Husband 1. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1. In summary, Husband 1. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.

    After several years of use, Husband 1. Posted February 22, Posted February 19, What If Dr. Seuss Wrote Technical Documentation? If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

    What a shame, Sir! Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom! Posted February 17, Once there was a Silicon Valley millionaire who had a collection of live alligators. He kept them in a pool at the back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day, he decides to throw a huge party for all of his high tech friends and colleagues. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed! The guests all turn to see a programmer colleague in the pool swimming as fast as he can.

    They cheer him on as he keeps stroking. Finally, the swimming man makes it to the other side unharmed. Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars? I want the person who pushed me in that water! Posted February 15, Two astronauts were in a space ship circling high above the earth. One, a pilot, had to go on a space walk while the other, an engineer, stayed inside.

    When the space walker tried to get back inside the space ship, he discovered that the cabin door was locked, so he knocked. There was no answer. He knocked again, louder this time. There was still no answer. Posted February 13, A fellow computer programmer for a consulting group had designed some software for one of our largest accounts. He asked my help in putting it into operation. At first, he handled most of the work. Eventually, though, he asked me to help with the last phase of the training. When I sat down with one woman and told her I would be showing her how to make changes to the files, she sighed with relief.

    I get nervous around really smart people. Posted February 8, Returning home from work, a blonde data center secretary was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

    As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. I call the police for help, and what do they do? Posted February 4, A week later, the joker received a heavy parcel…collect…on which he had to pay considerable charges. Upon opening it, he found a big block of concrete which had this message:.

    Posted February 1, Later this year, it will be the 49th anniversary of the first episode of Star Trek. Posted January 29, Posted January 27, If you needed a break from life, click on suspend. Posted January 25, Way to keep healthy level of insanity in Data Center. Find out where your CIO shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your CIO does. This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

    While making presentations to fellow network engineers, occasionally bob your head like a Parakeet. Sit in the parking lot at lunchtime pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. Ask all of the sys admins mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Posted January 23, Posted January 20, Two young electronics engineers applied for a single position at a computer company.

    They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men had each missed only one of the questions. Posted January 17, To blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural. Posted January 15, Posted January 12, An old, bearded shepherd, with a crooked staff, walks up to a stone pulpit and says:. And lo it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

    And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But his success did arouse envy. And lo the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. Posted January 10, Posted January 9, Posted January 4, One time, I had to tell a programming candidate that we would not be able to offer him a job because his drug test had come back positive and ours was a drug-free environment.

    Posted January 2, Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too. But, then you would have to buy more seats. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

    The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower. I will stop checking my e-mail at in the morning… is much more practical. I will stop sending e-mail to my roommate. I resolve to work with neglected children… my own. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer e-mail.

    When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it. No more downloads from alt. I resolve to back up my new GB hard drive daily… well, once a week… monthly, perhaps… 3. I will spend less than five hours a day on the Internet. I will limit my top ten lists to ten items. I will read the manual… just as soon as I can find it. Happ-ilyyyyy, ad-dict-eeeed to the Weeeeeb!!! Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.

    When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal. Santa seldom answers your mail. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions. Santa laughs entirely too much. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence. Those things can be lethal. What are you talking about? It fed without remorse. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wilding.

    Do you hear what I hear? It sounds like. This handy little kit will allow you to assimilate any of your action figures 9. Spend hours of fun threatening the galaxy 7. Some programs may not be available to minors 5. Jenolan play set With Mr Scott action figure 4. As, I was about to go check out the net. A lady told me, she had read my profile.

    And, ask, if I might like to chat for a while. How, she was expected to be a good wife. I said, if she wanted me to, that I could. Then after an hour, she got really good. After five hours, my fingers were sore. The crewmen were nestled all snug in their bunks Except for the few who were partying drunks ; And Picard in his nightshirt and Bev in her lace, Had just settled down for a nice face to face… When out in the halls there arose such a racket, That we leapt form our beds, pulling on pants and jacket.

    Then Q, dressed in fur from head to his toe, Appeared once again, to continue the show. Posted December 2, A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.

    Be thankful for a vast selection of Web sites on any minor topic to browse! Be thankful no one knows who you really are online! Be thankful for a fast Internet connection! Be thankful for free wifi where you need it! Posted November 19, Sometimes it does take a Rocket Scientist! We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

    I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. We waste more time by in the morning than other companies do all day. Posted November 5, I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. When he asked the dog what six minus six was, the dog said nothing. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break. Succeed in spite of management.

    Zip code of the Beast ……………………. Area code of the Beast ……Live Beasts! Call Now! Price of a Beast gasoline Route ……………….. Way of the Beast F……………………. Oven temperature for roast Beast k…………………….. Retirement plan of the Beast 6. Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast ………………………. Next-door neighbor of the Beast mg……….. Spreadsheet of the Beast Word 6. Word Processor of the Beast 6 h. The PIN of the Beast Beast Western Windows ver. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

    I came. I saw. I golfed. Perscripto in manibus tabellariorum est. The check is in the mail. Te precor dulcissime supplex! Pretty please with a cherry on top! Magister Mundi sum! I am the Master of the Universe! Fac me cocleario vomere! Gag me with a spoon! Noli me vocare, ego te vocabo. Vacca foeda Stupid cow Raptus regaliter Royally screwed Ne auderis delere orbem rigidum meum!

    Canis meus id comedit. My dog ate it. Illiud Latine dici non potest. Vidistine nuper imagines moventes bonas? Seen any good movies lately?

    See a Problem?

    Nullo metro compositum est. Fac ut gaudeam. Make my day. Visne saltare? Viam Latam Fungosam scio. Do you want to dance? I know the Funky Broadway. Re vera, potas bene. Say, you sure are drinking a lot. Utinam barbari spatium proprium tuum invadant! May barbarians invade your personal space! Utinam coniurati te in foro interficiant! May conspirators assassinate you in the mall! Radix lecti Couch potato Quo signo nata es?

    Romani quidem artem amatoriam invenerunt. You know, the Romans invented the art of love. Go on! Spero nos familiares mansuros. Mellita, domi adsum. Tam exanimis quam tunica nehru fio. I am as dead as the nehru jacket. Ventis secundis, tene cursum. Go with the flow. Totum dependeat. Let it all hang out. Prehende uxorem meam, sis!

    Take my wife, please! Aio, quantitas magna frumentorum est. Yes, that is a very large amount of corn. Recedite, plebes! Gero rem imperialem! Stand aside plebians! I am on imperial business. Oblitus sum perpolire clepsydras! I forgot to polish the clocks! Vescere bracis meis. Eat my shorts. Sic faciunt omnes. Everyone is doing it. Fac ut vivas. Get a life. Anulos qui animum ostendunt omnes gestemus! Sona si Latine loqueris. Honk if you speak Latin.

    Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. The beatings will continue until morale improves. Now multiply by 7. Posted October 8, Why is sex like software? For everyone who pays for it, there are hundreds getting it for free. Posted September 26, The Pentagon recently unveiled its new super computer to the top brass.

    Posted September 21, A thousand words are worth a picture— and they load faster, too. Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it. The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management. Everything that goes up must come down. Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.

    Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Sure is hot down here. If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. When all else fails, read the instructions. Posted August 20, Sesame Street goes Interactive Snuffleupagus sings the Microsoft sound whenever he wakes up. Internet Explorer, Netscape, Opera: one of these things is not like the other… 3.

    And scratch where it itches. All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door. Posted August 17, My sister landed a good job as a network engineer in a data center with an accounting firm, and after a while she got a generous raise. However, the window was closed, and it smacked against the glass. The keyboard is camouflaged. There is a gunrack mounted on the case. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

    Windows 10 has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it. Outgoing faxes have beerstains on them. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them. The monitor is up on blocks. Seven blue tick hounds under the desk. Deer jerky in the desk drawer. The six front keys have rotted out.