Towards the middle I really hated Elizabeth's character, she was so vain, but by the end I just laughed at her. I will read the next book in the series just to see if the series gets better or worse. I hope the writing isn't quite as forced. View 2 comments. I read this last year and was just suggested it again.
I never finished it so I didn't think it was fair to include it in my books read, but now I just want to rate and review it so that it won't be suggested to me again. I am aware that this is just a fun read and not meant to be taken seriously, but honestly I couldn't stand it. The main character is a complete superficial, materialistic, idiot. There were some funny parts, but it was not enough to redeem this book for me. Wasting my time on t I read this last year and was just suggested it again.
Wasting my time on this type of book frustrates me when there are much better books to read out there. View all 7 comments. Aug 05, Laura rated it did not like it. I would give this book 4 stars for concept and 0 stars for execution. This is another choice from my book rental club. Sometimes those choices have felt like crap shoots. Part of the problem stems from the fact that I make my choices based on reviews and book descriptions on the book rental web site. None of the reviews I read warned me that were this story a movie, it would be rated a very hard R.
The book cover is also misleading. Its cover art gives one the impression that this might be a lighthearted literary romp. There is nothing that warns you about what is contained within the pages of this story. First she loses her job. Then she gets killed by a sliding car whilst chasing after her errant cat. She would like her life to get back to normal as soon as possible and spends a good part of this story trying to make that happen.
She makes the decision to test out whether or not she can die. She purposely puts herself into situations that would normally result in the death of a normal human being and discovers among other things that she has enormous strength and can no longer stomach her favorite foods. This story is funny. Mostly the part about how she finally comes to terms with who and what she has become.
Unfortunately, Ms. It is offensive to me and ruins a story for me with its frequent use. The English language is extensive and I just feel that an author does not need to resort to the use of profanity to make a point or to use it as a tool for characterization purposes. This is a very cleverly conceived story. But in my estimation the editors for Ms. Davidson could have turned this into a PG rated story and not lost a bit of the very original and humorous story line.
I would like to see how Betsy further deals with her new status as a vampire with scruples and designer shoes, but assume that all the subsequent books in this series would be written in the same style as this first one was. Jul 20, Wanda rated it it was ok Shelves: paranormal-romance , read-in , vampires , female-authors , fantasy , urban-fantasy , interlibrary-loan. The difference, for me, is in the main character. Like the Speaker of the House, only way more blood thirsty.
More Book of the Dead crap, which Tina had been reading to me all night. It was like attending Bible school in hell. Where those Ferragamos? It was a rare and wonderful thing to see a properly shod man in an underground mausoleum. I felt the author was trying too hard. But, as I have often stated in my reviews, my comprehension of humour in print is challenged. I had to order this volume via interlibrary loan in order to read it, making feel that I had to finish the book to justify ordering it from another part of the province. Aug 25, Sashana rated it really liked it Shelves: paranormal-romance-adult , ebooks-owned , full-length-review , i-laughed-out-loud.
I am a huge fan of chick-lit and paranormal romance, so combining the two genres is like reader heaven for me. Seriously, you get the best of both genres with this book: the insecure but lovable protagonist, her bad ass vampire crush, and some steamy sex scenes. What more could a girl ask for? I was not going to stumble around like a zombie, scaring the hell out of people and pretending I still had a place in the world. Not only did she die in a tragic accident, she has awaken a vampire-in horrible shoes at that. After coming to terms with her new undead life she manages to piss off the head vampire, become a crime fighting vigilante, and oh yeah, learns of a prophecy that will make her the queen of the undead.
I enjoyed this book more than I thought I would and I seriously had to cry from laughing too hard. This isn't a stimulating read so don't approach it looking for the secrets of the universe and such. This book should be read if you're sad, stressed, and looking for a a pick me up-that's calorie free. View 1 comment. Jan 23, Julie Ehlers rated it did not like it Recommends it for: No one. Shelves: books-that-are-terrible. I have no idea why an author would make a narrator so incredibly unlikeable. Her rabid materialism is offputting, she mouths off to everyone, she juvenilely makes insipid puns on the names of people she doesn't like.
She dislikes other characters for no apparent reason. She rips off jokes from Clueless , among other places. She's a registered Republican who knows nothing about the issues; a PETA member who gets sanctimonious about animal testing but still eats meat. She insists that the slaves ha I have no idea why an author would make a narrator so incredibly unlikeable.
She insists that the slaves had it good in Gone with the Wind , and she's not joking. She gets in a racially motivated fight with a black woman and is a total asshole about it. Don't get me wrong, I like light entertainment as much as the next person. But there's a difference between light entertainment and trash, and the trash is where this book belongs. Sep 28, Kara added it. This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers.
To view it, click here. I was really enjoying this. It was funny and and goofy and entertaining. It was well on its way to being a great read. And then. I Betsey, the new vampire, goes to the home of Sinclair, an older vampire, and the man who is to be her love interest in this series. One of Sinclair's people tells her he's feeding with his "ladyfriends," and takes her to an observation area to watch Sinclair feed on and have sex with three women. Meanwhile, Betsey has o DNF. Meanwhile, Betsey has of course, because why the fuck not only ever slept with three people in her life.
So with that shit, I'm out. This was so much fun to read. It wasn't the usual vampire paranormal book but it was fun to read something different. Aug 05, Mehsi rated it it was amazing Shelves: warning-english-books , octarine , 5-twinkling-stars , sparkles-are-so-last-season , away-laughing-on-a-fast-camel , the-butler-did-it , for-girls-one-shelf , vacation I am sure not many can top Betsy's week from hell. She doesn't have the most luck in that week. First she loses her job thankfully she didn't like it that much, and I loved her chat about how the company would fall apart now and how she loved that , then she gets killed in a car accident in the weirdest way , and then she wakes up in the morgue.
Yep, our girl is one of the undead, a vampire to be specifically. But Betsy isn't just any vampire. Oh no, this girl is like a vampire 2. Almost not I am sure not many can top Betsy's week from hell. Almost nothing that vampires normally have applies to our girl Betsy. Holy water? Eh, not impressed. Good, but she doesn't need tons of it.
- Paul Is Undead | Book by Alan Goldsher | Official Publisher Page | Simon & Schuster;
- Guide for Alternate Route Teachers: Strategies for Literacy Development, Classroom Management and Teaching and Learning, K-12;
- More books from this author: Alan Goldsher;
- Comparative Religious Motivations for Giving to the Poor: For the Love of God: (Jewish Giving in Comparative Perspectives: Tzedakah, Greek Philanthropy, and Christian Charity – A Trilogy).
Soon we meet some stronger vampires namely Sinclair yummy, but I didn't quite like him due to how he acts and how possessive he is and Nostrodamus evil vampire who kind of let power go to his mind a bit too much. Our girl has to pick a side, but anyone who has read the book so far And she isn't afraid to also tell her opinion on this. You can imagine how the story goes from there.
Betsy finds out more and more about vampires, how they tick, but she still has a lot of questions as to why the rules apparently don't apply to her. Plus there is the hint that she may just be a vampire queen! Yep, this girl isn't only fabulous, fashionable, but she is also a queen. Betsy was definitely my favourite girl.
- Site Index.
- My Lady Midnight (Mills & Boon Vintage 90s Modern).
- Simon Pegg on why the undead should never be allowed to run | Film | The Guardian.
- Strategic Maneuvers.
I loved her snark, her sharpness, and her love for shoes. She was really fun, and I loved how she eventually embraced being a vampire, and how she learned how to find blood, what to do about all that male attraction that is happening now she is a vampire yep, this girl got all the boys and dogs flocking to her , and many other things.
Oh and I can imagine she doesn't want anyone to call her by her full name. The poor thing. Like Betsy's best friend Jessica. I instantly took a liking to her. She wasn't that weirded out that her best friend was now a vampire. Plus, like Betsy, she had a good portion of snark. Next up is Marc, a guy that Betsy saves. I had to get used to him a bit, I found him a bit too weird and his plans slightly to dark , but later I quite liked him. Betsy mom was just perfection, she was sweet, caring, and doesn't give a dip about the fact her daughter is now a vampire. She is much too happy that her prayers were answered and her daughter came back.
Sinclair, well as I said, he was yummy, but it took me some time to like him. Eventually I quite liked him.
Undead and Unwed
This girl has hidden depths, plus she was real sweet and helpful. Of course there is some sex, quite steamy, quite a bit graphic. But it did fit the book As soon as I liked Sinclair They do make a good couple, and I was just rooting for Betsy to understand her feelings. Come on girl, everyone can see you have got the hots for that vampire. Chop chop. This book was such a fun ride! This book will not bore you one moment. You will go from hilarity to battles to some romance to some more hilarity.
I would recommend it to everyone! View all 6 comments. Apr 06, Exina rated it it was amazing. I love Betsy, there is much potential in her character. She is a newbie vampire, with distinguishing abilities. The sex scenes are surprising, light, and intensely erotic without some sickly sweet romantic bullshit. As the first book of a series, starring the same main character all along, it is absolutely fine.
My expectations are high. View all 4 comments. This book is such a cheese fest but delicious all the same. It's exactly the kind of book you'd read when you're down because the ridiculousness of it is just so endearing as a whole. The heroine, Betsy yeap , is a newly made Undead and not happy about it, especially considering that what she's seen of the world of vampires so far is sooo last year.
She loves her designer shoes, they make her world go round, hates her stepmother, loves her awfully rich best friend and absolutely hates the badly d This book is such a cheese fest but delicious all the same. She loves her designer shoes, they make her world go round, hates her stepmother, loves her awfully rich best friend and absolutely hates the badly dresses vampires that seem to be after her. Betsy is, like the rest of the book, full of fluff and silliness but in the end it just works for me. Apart from that we have too many gay people, which I don't really mind at all.
Ridiculous gay characters are the best. We have cheesy lines, even cheesier sex scenes and way too cheesy vampire politics. If you're looking for a book with depth, just look the other way. If you want something funny and fluffy this is your book. Apr 30, Cereja Cult rated it it was amazing Shelves: supernatural , just-for-the-fun-of-it , kick-ass-lead-character , da-best.
Some weird creatures attack Betsy one night, a few months later she is ran over and dies. Then she wakes up dead. LoL Now she is a vamp and a very strong one. She is the Queen of the Vamps and so she is thrown in to the middle of a battle between the vamps that only she can put an end. Not that complicated nor original.
The Characters - They are wonderful. I love Betsy and her babblishy way. She can talk nonstop for days. LoL About anything and anywhere. She says the funniest things in the strangest moments. She gives the super bad vamp a nickname and laugh straight to his face. LoL Her love for shoes is adorable and, well, I kind have a girl crush on her, she is so cute and lovable.
LoLI would totally be his snack. They both drool over E as well so you know they have good taste in man LoL. The Writing - This author can write her ass off. For realz. She has charisma in her pen and the power to brighten my day and make a fool out of me. I had a giggle fit in the middle of an office full of people and had to pretend I was choking on water. The jokes and the way she read the lines, funniest reading evah!!!! She tried and I give her credit for it, but in some parts where it should be serious and stuff I was laughing cose the voice was so funny LoL.
Considerations - I love this book. Do you need more than that? Imagine a cupcake. A beautiful and lovely cupcake, just like this one. You look at it and think of rainbows and sparkly unicorns, right? Are you feeling me? This is pretty much how this book is to me. LoL Now, GO. Undead and Unwed is the first book in the series featuring Betsy Taylor. In DOOM 3, they are split into more-conventional civilian Zombies, and the tactically-intelligent Z-SEC security zombies, which take cover, use squad tactics, and operate weapons such as pistols, submachine guns, and shotguns.
Standard Possessed are mindless, regular zombies; Possessed Security and Possessed Soldiers are far more intelligent the former using an arm-meshed plasma shotgun and riot shield, and firing in defilade, and the latter using advanced movement tactics and firing a plasma rifle meshed into their right arm in automatic bursts. Intelligent Zombies , are zombies that retain their personality and intelligence, such as the zombies in Marvel Zombies , Undead or Alive and the house of night zombies AKA red flegings.
In fact, this can be spread to most if not all the zombies in the film, as they show reasoning skills. These zombies are exceedingly rare. Also, in Resident Evil they show the scientist's test subject proving that zombies in those movies can intellectually remember how to use the things that normal people can also use. However, if the zombies get angry they then go back to the barbaric mode of their life as a person classical zombie mode. One should never assume a zombie to be intelligent unless there is overwhelming evidence in support of this idea.
Countless zombie victims owe their demise to hesitation when they wrongly perceive that some vestige of their transformed loved one remains. The armed zombie is a variant of Intelligent Zombie, and extremely dangerous for survivors. It only appears in infections where a zombie retains more than absolute basic motor skills- mostly where repeated memories are retained, or where zombies have limited or full intelligence.
The chief feature of an Armed Zombie is that it is packing heat- ranging from former survivors with handguns, to heavily-armored zombie soldiers with automatic assault rifles. Their tactical competence widely varies- most Armed Zombies shamble with the rest of the horde, occasionally stopping to take wild potshots from the hip, never aimed, and may be easily defeatable with the simple expedient of waiting until their firearm is out of ammo.
Others are more dangerous; those with some retained tactical skill are often a nightmare to fight, as they will move in groups or even "squads" of sorts, and exercise basic tactics such as taking cover or firing more steady, aimed shots. The most intelligent armed zombies in fiction are a match for a human soldier- in this case, it is nearly impossible to fight one in an open confrontation, and the best choice is to simply disengage or totally avoid them. Chihiro Furuya is a male high school student with a keen interest in zombies, collecting zombie-related videogames, film and manga, and even to the point of desiring to "kiss a zombie girl".
Following the death of his pet cat, Babu, he attempts to revive it using an old manuscript, which describes the process of creating a potion for resurrection. At this time, he encounters a girl named Rea Sanka, who has run away from home. In an attempt to commit suicide, she drinks a sample of the "resurrection" potion which is created from the poisonous Hydrangea macrophylla flower, although this fails to kill her.
Following an argument with her father, she falls from a cliff by accident and dies. However, as a result of the potion, she becomes a zombie who eats hydrangea leaves to survive. The story follows the life of Chihiro and his new 'zombie girlfriend'. The Girl With All The Gifts is a film that featured a child who was revealed to be a zombie, while still being able to think and feel for herself like a normal human being.
Giant Zombies , or Behemoths , are an extremely rare and powerful zombie that have mutated into an extremely gigantic size, ranging from as big as a truck to as big as a building, while they tend to lack any intelligence, their size and strength make them an extremely deadly opponent, they may also throw cars or rocks at a survivor. Rot and Ruin Zombies are unique, in the fact that they not only reanimate through infection by bite, all humans that die after First Night, or the initial outbreak reanimate as living dead, regardless of any contact with an existing Zombie.
Infectious agents only appear to exist in the Zombie's saliva. Scratches do not appear to cause any long term damage. Attracted by noise, light, and movement, Rot and Ruin Zombies will chase and bite all forms of life, be it human or squirrel, however only appear to be interested in consuming human flesh.
Some wild boars can become zombies. Zombies appear to have little to no brain activity, being rarely to open doors, or use weapons except in extraordinarily rare cases where freshly turned Zombies will pick up sticks or rocks to use as weapons. A mutated form of the Reaper Plague makes faster and smarter zombies that can use weapons, run, and open doors.
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Some can change their gait to that of a slow zombie and hide One hid behind a car and bit a soldier, and imitated a normal zombie,killing 2 more before it was killed. Zombies treated with Archangel see below also gain these abilities. Since the Zombies do not themselves move for any reason unless they see a stimulus, hordes of Zombies as well as single Zombies will stay in one spot for years without stimulus, even allowing vines to grow over their feet and legs. After a certain point, Rot and Ruin Zombies stop decaying, and will not consume corpses that are already dead.
They will stop eating a fresh body after a certain point, are put off by the smell of rotting flesh and will not consume other zombies. It is unclear why, all though if bleach is used, Zombies will attack anything on sight, including other Zombies. Noms, or Nomadic Zombies are extremely rare, but do exist. These are zombies that will move on their own, without any apparent stimulus. Rot and Ruin Zombies can be put down by any fatal damage to the brain and brain stem.
Bashing in the skull or simply cutting the brain stem will do, and it is highly advised that one cut the brain-stem or "quiet" any human immediately upon death, as most humans who die soon reanimate. A special extract of the "juices" created during the rotting of flesh can be created by crushing and filtering corpses and flesh after rotting. This awful smelling liquid called Cadaverine can be sprinkled on clothing and hair to help prevent Zombie attacks. Unless used in huge quantities, which is not recommended, Zombies will not refrain from attacking, but will hesitate in their assault, allowing for quick disposal of the Zed if things get too close for comfort.
Reaper has a cure called Archangel. It causes the zombies to degrade in about a week, although the zombies become smarter and nearly as fast as a living human running before they rot. They become runners for 2 or 3 days, then they will slowly down and rot, then they will decompose properly. The living infected will be cured, but must continue taking Archangel or they will revert to a infected state, but if they die, they will not re-animate.
If a healthy human is about to die I. The infected's eyes are usually blood red or blank white. And they move very fast. They can only be killed by shooting or destroying the head where the brain is located. And they can be stopped or freezed by reciting prayers or performing an exorcism.
These two zombie types are documented by the book series "Zom-B" by Darren Shan. Reviveds are fast zombies that eat brains. They have poor vision but a great sense of hearing and smell. Their good hearing can be used against them, however, with high-pitched and loud noises. They can hear a heart beating and they hate the sun.
This doesn't mean that humans are completely safe, though, as they will still run through light if needed. Destroying the brain is the only way to kill them. They have large bone-like claws sticking through their fingers and toes and have large, growing teeth. They can live for up to thousands of years. Revitalizeds are zombies that were "vaccinated" and given a mark. This means that after a few months after being infected they will regain their senses. If they don't become infected after around 20 years of being vaccinated they will melt.
There is a much higher chance to revitalize as a teenager than as an adult. They are required to eat brains. If a revitalized goes a week or two without feeding on brains, they will turn into q revived. Their features are a lot like reviveds. Tear ducts are dry, so crying is not and option, claws in the fingers and toes, teeth that need to be filed back regularly so they don't fill the entire mouth. Notably, their eyelids don't work, so like reviveds, they can't sleep.
For the first few months before revitalizing they remain as a revived. After the first 4 weeks or so of revitalizing they can form basic words and are required to have their tongue at the bottom of their mouths when speaking to avoid biting the damn thing off. They are given the nickname "angels" and are being recruited to fight against an evil clown and his mutant army, known as Mr Dowling.
This variety of zombie appear in the Zombie Rules series by David Achord. At the beginning of the series, these zombies are similar to the classic Romero zombie. They are slow moving and unintelligent and seem to have no need for the flesh they consume. However, throughout the series they begin to display characteristics that they are no longer 'classic' zombies and are at first healing and then evolving. Some are witnessed scoping down to drink water from puddles, others are shown to be healing from the decomposition they endured. Investigations carried out by the characters in the series show that the zombies digestive tracts have begun working again, they show signs of a primitive thought pattern, and the zombies actively seek out shelter during cold weather or rain.
They begin to communicate again- albeit at a very basic level, consisting mainly of grunts, growls and pointing. At least two of the infected are worthy of note, as they display other characteristics worthy of mention. He is able to "take charge" of other zombies and co-ordinate them in a sneak attack. Before being put down she regained the power of speech and was able to recognize, and utter the name of, her husband. She was also able to recognize she was in danger when she had a gun pointed at her and was able to signal other zombies for help.
There was speculation among the survivors as to whether this was due to the vocalization she made or whether the theorized mutation of her brain led her to have some level of telepathic link to other infected.
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Overall, the infected begin to behave strangely- with it hinted at that some as indicated above have some form of telepathic control over others. Also, they begin to show signs of moving as a herd, and not just a random formation. Several thousand are seen using a rail track to evacuate Nashville once that area had become depopulated of food, and several hundred, with no vocal signal or other sign, turn to face several survivors who are hiding, but they do not attack-- further solidifying in the minds of the survivors the theory that the infected share a telepathic link.
They are bodies that were prepared by the efforts of Dr. Hogback and revived by the shadows of Gecko Moriah. These zombies, eventhough they all have a disheleved appearance, they all have human personality, except for those who received animal shadows, instead. The newly created zombies will all have personality of the owner of their given shadow, being capable even of betraying their master at first and giving the watcher many comic momments, but as the time passes, traits of such personality disappears, making them totally loyal to their creator.
Also, these zombies will have numbers marked on their bodies, according to the order of their creations. Human zombies will have gray skin, while non human zombies may vary on their skin color, such as oarz being red and the cerberus having blue and yellow color, due to the fact that his body was made by the bodies of two dogs and a fox. The zombies will also have stitch marks around their bodies. They can all be killed by consuming salt, and their shadows will return to their respective owners, no matter how far or close they are.
Persons who regained their stolen shadows may have some brief memories of his zombies, such as when Lola had the feeling of already knowing Nami when they never met actually. Unlike most of the zombies from popular culture, they have no interest on feeding themselves. They are common persons zombified via allien technology. They can zombificate other persons by having their bodily fluids entering in contact with the victims.
The victim lies dead on the floor and rises upon being affected by a lightning straight from the sky. The protagonists from the game can also be turned into zombies, but their attacks consists on puking a giant blood geyser that destroys everything on its path. They are also unaffected by the attacks of the Morden's Army, but can die if entering in contact again with the bodily fluids of a zombie. The can become humans again by collecting medical items, usually dropped by doctor zombies.
The origin of their zombification was never explained on the anime or manga. They have gray skin and an almost invisible or no eye iris at all, making them blind and having to count on their audition to find their preys. Except for these facts, they will behave like any zombie. Hisashi Igou has named the zombies as "them", and since then, this name was used on the anime.
They also have no interest on animals. The user can summon them in two ways: partial and fully. Partially: Thei will behave like any zombie: no intelligence, phyisical prowess or jutsus. They are easy to destroy and once destroyed they are reduced to dust. They will also be reduced to dust if the summoner is defeated or undo the jutsu. Fully: the summoner resurrects the summoned completely and has full control over them, despite the fact that they are conscious.
Paul Is Undead | Book by Alan Goldsher | Official Publisher Page | Simon & Schuster
The summoned also has full acess to their tecniques. There is a wide variation on their appearance, varying between mummies, vampires, ghosts, skeletons or revived corpses. In some few cases, they will have doll appearance, such as the cases of Necroface and Necro Manequinn. But not John. He glowed. Granted, it was a grayish glow, but it was impressive nonetheless. What makes me say that?
Well, erm, I was dead fast. Very fast. Eighteen hours later, to be exact. Anybody who played guitar that well should either be in my band, or sucking on maggots six feet under. Or both. I never even considered an attack. I went over after breakfast. John answered the door wearing a blue-and-white-plaid shirt and those thick, clunky government-issue glasses of his. After that, things happened fast. Pete Shotten got so offended when I asked him if I could Process him that I thought he was gonna quit the band and get a job, just so he could afford to buy himself a gun and a handful of diamond bullets.
None of the Quarrymen wanted it, none of my friends at school wanted it, and I was gonna be alone. No casual bites. No half-arsed fluid transfer. I decided Paul was the guy who could help me take over the world, and if I was gonna do him, I was gonna do him right. In the end, it turned out brilliant anyhow.
I opened my mouth as wide as it would go, then bit off a chunk of his neck about the size of a scone. I wanted to keep the scone intact so I could slap it back over the wound; that way, none of the zombie cocktail could escape. Then, after I spit a bit of my goo into Paulie, I picked up Mr. Scone, jammed it back into the gouge, and sealed it shut with my tongue, as if I were licking an envelope. But I still had some goo left. Thus, the business with the arm. No idea why, really. Instinct, I suppose. Zombie nature, I guess.
Sometimes sloppiness is called for. For good measure, I snaked my tongue around his humerus bone and past his biceps, all the way on up to his clavicle. I reattached his arm and licked it closed. Then I went over to the kitchen, tracked down a bottle of cooking sherry, threw down a big drink, which went straight into the hole in the roof of my mouth and into my brain, making me instantly rat-arsed, and I sat down at the table.
I crossed my fingers and hoped for the best. I felt his forehead. It was ice cold. Paulie did. And he did it the second after he opened his eyes. It was a sight to behold. That I can believe, because I remember when I woke up the next morning, both of my index fingers were lying under my pillow. You do the math. Three years younger than his former neighbor John Lennon, Lawrence Carroll is one of the Menlove Avenue men who survived to tell some tales.
I was a lurker, I suppose you could say. I hid behind trees and bushes and cars, and liked to pretend I was a newspaper reporter, or a spy. I always took notes on a little pad of paper, but very rarely saw anything of interest. Anybody except John Lennon, of course. Paul was moaning so loudly that Mrs.
Leary, who lived three houses down from the Lennons, stuck her head out her window and told him to stop that infernal racket. Once she saw he was undead, she slammed her window shut. Granted, I was crouched down out of sight behind a thick bush, but at least I stayed. You get out here and take your medicine! I never went outside without a shirt back then. Some zombies grow a lot of chest hair, and I was one of them, and it was embarrassing. It never dawned on me to lop it off until my first girlfriend, Thelma Pickles, gave me a straight razor for my birthday.
John started running around like a chicken with his head cut off—or a zombie with his head cut off, I suppose. Somehow, some way, headless John connected on the second swing, and Paul went down, and went down hard. Paul was facedown on the sidewalk, clutching what looked like a pair of sausages. I crawled out from behind the bush a bit so I could hear what they were saying. John was doing most of the talking, because Paul was sobbing so hard.
Then John moaned even higher, and they held it for a good long while. It was almost hypnotic. I told them they had themselves a deal. Another similarity he has to John: George made me jump through a few hoops before he deigned to chat on the record … except his hoops were—hmmm, how does one put this accurately? Unfortunately, for the majority of my stay, Harrison was off in India doing that whole head-cleansing thing, so I was able to get only about six hours of on-the-record material. Luckily, George had fallen off the vegetarian wagon and had recently feasted on the brain of two Bengal tigers and one Bengal fox, and with all that protein floating through his system, the aptly named Quiet Beatle was focused and energetic.
Harrison, I was stabbed on three separate occasions by three separate intruders. Apparently, knife-wielding intruders had been a problem at Friar Park since He also looked good onstage and was a nice bloke, but, erm, John wanted nothing to do with killing him. And he never really gave me a satisfactory explanation. Plain and simple. After I reanimated Paul, I vowed never to transform anybody under the age of seventeen again. I was almost twenty at that point, and killing somebody in their teens felt wrong.
Even if they asked for it. And Georgie asked for it again and again and again. At that point, I was ambivalent about my undead situation. Oh, sure, I hypnotized a bird or two, but only girls who I knew wanted to be with me in the first place; it was more about speeding things along than taking advantage. It was like being on a blind date, complete with stilted conversation and elliptical innuendo.
How would you like to begin? At no point did either of us say the words zombie or undead. He was very gentle. Fact is, a half-zombified toe tastes like a combination of rancid sweat socks, burnt asafetida powder, and, naturally, rotting human corpse. Even then we realized the value of mystique. For a few weeks, I had the same problems every zombie guitarist has immediately after transformation—randomly detaching fingers.
That happens even today. Old habits are hard to break. Clapton has the same problem. For the most part, things went on as they always did: school, friends, family, music. I n , John entered his second unhappy year at the Liverpool College of Art. It was a rough time for John, but, resourceful as always, he made the best of it.
In July , former classmate William Norman and ex-painting instructor Dr. Hell, the bloke wore his zombieness on his sleeve, shuffling and moaning about the campus like he was William Baskin or Robert Cherry. We all knew full well he could speak normally and walk quickly, but he insisted on rubbing it in our faces.
It was almost like he wanted us to be scared of him. John was a skilled illustrator, but his choice of subject matter was a bit on the limited side. Most everything he drew was morbid: cemeteries with elaborate headstones, mutilated corpses, human heads with insect bodies, and the like.
During class, he had a tendency to go off into the ozone for minutes at a time. I have a distinct memory of him standing motionless in front of an easel, staring out the window, and still holding his wet brush, with red paint splattering on his shoes: drip, drip, drip, drip, drip. It was such a brilliant tableau that I wondered if he was pretending. Each and every one of those ponces at school was a racist. They all grew up in nice neighborhoods, in nice houses, with nice parents, and nice friends, and nice bank accounts, and heaven forbid they socialize with the likes of me.
Heaven forbid they get their hands a little bit dirty. I was different.
I was the other. The only good thing that came out of the entire experience was meeting Stu. Or did he? Unfortunately, none of them had the wherewithal, connections, or financial means to do the legwork. My gut, it turned out, was right. Yeah, I sometimes played a half step out of key, but so what? All for zombies, and zombies for all.
Toppermost of the Poppermost. We need somebody in our group who has blood coursing through his veins. Nobody was ever scared of me. Talk to Johnny Moondog lately? It adds mystique, brother … and maybe a tinge of fear. But I did respect him, and hearing him say that hurt. They argued about everything, those two. After the blokes from Quarry left the band, John wanted us to be called Johnny and the Maggots.
Man, witnessing that cock-up was worth the price of admission. A well-known English club owner and music impresario who shaped the careers of pseudonymous teen sensations such as Duffy Power, Lance Fortune, and Dickie Pride, Larry Parnes allowed John, Paul, George, and Stu to audition for him in —not, however, as an entity unto themselves, but rather as backing band to one Ronald William Wycherley, aka, Billy Fury.
The Undead: The First Seven Days
Several Liverpool bands and a whole bunch of hangers-on were at the Angel that day, but only one was able to speak about the audition on the record. Neither Lennon, McCartney, Harrison, nor Sutcliffe wished to discuss what went down that afternoon, and Parnes and Fury had both been dead for decades, and who the hell knew where all those other bands disappeared to.
Williams greeted me at the door with a big smile on his face and a bigger shotgun pointed at my schnozz. Knowing he was a rabid jazz fan, I came armed with a copy of Hard Bop Academy, my biography of jazz drummer Art Blakey, which had been published back in His smile expanding by the second, Williams took the gift, tossed it into the air, pulled the trigger of his Remington Express Super Mag, and blew my book to confetti; it was literary skeet shooting at its finest.
He then invited me in, prepared me a cup of tea, and told me exactly what happened on May 5, John and Paul were frustrated with the less-than-enthusiastic response, so a week or three before the audition for Parnesy, I suspect in order to bolster their confidence, they did a few gigs at a place in Caversham called Fox and Hounds.
No, Parnesy was the one we wanted to impress. No nod, no smile, no thumbs-up, no clapping, no comment about Stuart playing with his back to the crowd, no nothing. I recommend that you put down your instruments and do that hypnotizing thing you always talk about. Make him give you the gig. You deserve it. Shit, we deserve it. Can you repeat that? You heard what I said, mate. Loud and clear. That cost me about three hundred pounds, which, in , was a fookload of dosh.